Innumerabilis

Happy birthday to me. Nineteen. Such a foreign number, especially when used in conjunction with the word “age’.

I haven’t been posting here regularly for the past few months; I suppose it is partly because the novelty of blogging has worn off, partly because it takes some effort to verbalise random, ephemeral and flighty strands of thoughts and put a pen to them. You can recall the memory of a beautiful sunset, or even imagine the whole episode, but how do you describe the experience? You either venture into some verbiose account of every nook and cranny of the image formed and retained in the mind, or you use the phrase “beautiful sunset”. Perhaps you would prefer “beyond description”? The former seems to be an overkill, whereas the latters are just plain lame.

Nineteen. Back to this train of thought. I suppose I will have to get use to it, for it will be my age for the next 365 days, but nevertheless, I do not feel this old. Nineteen is not a significant age, it is not the threshold for alcohol (16), watching M18 or R21 movies, it means nothing! And yet it should mean everything. Should, should, should…

Should means nothing to me. My life is sorta on auto-pilot, perhaps being helmed by a rather inferior software? There is no purpose to it, no drive to my every actions, only a conscious desire to get it over with. How do you get a life over with when only 19 infinitesimally short years have passed? How came the weariness? The elixir of youth should be burning. Yes, should.

I have the idea of what my life should be, what it ought to be, what it can be, and herein lies the connexion to the sunset scenario. I know what I should do, but my every action, not unlike the effort to verbalise the exquisite details of an ordinary image, seems to encumber, if not oppose, my every intention.

A contorted mind, a conflicted heart. I can only hope that the supine affliction of the spirit will pass, by some means or another. I am trying to wrest control from myself, and who knows? By age 20 I may have a better condition to etch out.

In the meantime, happy birthday to me.